One of the more shitty side effects of periods of poor mental health is the lack of confidence and commitment it can instill. Sure, we're all self-conscious at times, but trust me when I say, my depressive episodes have had a massive impact and have taken little chunks of me with them each time.
The major way this manifests itself is through my seeming inability to hold down a job. Work is important for all kinds of reasons beyond the obvious paying of rent and covering the bills. Most importantly for those with mental health ishoos, it adds routine to our existence, time spent actually doing stuff and interacting with other people, rather than stagnating at home watching daytime TV, feeling sorry for oneself and dreaming about dreams that you think can't come true because you're never bloody well enough for long enough to put the wheels in motion...or is that just me, then?
It's not that I haven't ever worked, in fact I've had a few brilliant jobs, and one in particular as a journalist that was amazing, both in having the chance to write for a national magazine, and to get to experience all the perks of said job, which, by the way were awesome. The job paid atrociously but it was only part time anyway. I could have worked harder in building a better freelance career for myself so that I was actually making a survivable living for myself, but my lack of confidence in myself and my abilities, coupled with hideous what I now know to be bipolar cycles, meant that was another chance squandered.
I've had other chances in life too: to be an actress, an academic, a senior press officer for a prestigious international agency...and yet, I've never achieved my full potential at any of them, and have often simply found them too stressful to continue with, or have lacked the self-belief, guts and guile to really go for them.
So as of right now, whilst still having a few writing irons in the fire, I have found myself yet another "new job" working at the local college helping disabled students. I'm due to start tomorrow in a role that has had to be tailored down to a part time position for me because I'm still coming out of my latest descent into the abyss. I'm vastly over-qualified for the job yet I'm toying with the idea of bailing on it altogether. Why? Because I feel tortured, and hopeless, and utterly useless. And, of course, because I have a history of bailing.
The fact is, I'd like to fight, but I usually take flight.
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