I'm so predictable. After a terrible nights' sleep and a lot of tears I've gone and bailed on the new job, at least for the time being. The past few weeks have been pretty unhappy, save a lovely Birthday weekend thanks to my fantastic fiance, family and friends. It's in part to do with a medication change I mentioned in my medication's what you need post, whereby I was taken off an antidepressant to see if I coped with being on just the one med; a psychotropic that's meant to work on both extremes of bipolar. Turns out I haven't been coping too well at all as I've taken a complete nosedive and am probably going to have to give in and go onto another anti-D in order to rescue my sanity.
When it comes to the job, I could have totally rocked up and done it, but the ability to suck it up when just last night I couldn't stop gut-wrenchingly sobbing for longer than five minutes, scares me, quite frankly. The way I can switch between "end of the world" and "top of the morning" is terrifying sometimes. And I don't think its in anybody's interest for me to be starting a job with a fair amount of responsibility for others' welfare when I'm secretly drowning inside. Hell, the thought of leaving the house is enough of a gladiatorial challenge at the minute.
But what now? The F and I have our wedding to pay for next year, our benefit stopped the second he got his new job, and I'm sat at home on my own, wondering why the fuck my brain is wired like this.
Cue wallowing like a hippo in my self-built pile of shit and shame...
No comments:
Post a Comment