Tuesday 23 October 2012

Surprise!






No, its not my birthday. But feel free to send cake anyway...

The surprise is, I am so surprised at how quickly I am going to be starting therapy! You might remember my It's good to talk post from a few weeks back where I had just attended my first of four 'focus for therapy' sessions at my local unit. It found that more than a bit uncomfortable and the following week I was 'ill' and couldn't make the session, mainly because I was feeling so crap about myself, and talking about it was likely to catapult me over the edge. I have a back history of going AWOL on therapy because I find the process so incredibly hard, but equally, I recognised I was being given another chance to try and sort myself out at a time when I'd been feeling pretty hopeless. So, back I went and I completed my final session yesterday. And I'm feeling really smug with myself about that.

One of my major day-to-day issues, due in part to the fact that I've not been well enough to work for some time, is a fear of being in groups of people I don't know. A vicious circle is about all that comes from that as you have to interact with people in order to work and in order to break free from a hermit-like existence. Basically, I need to learn how to build my confidence and interact with people again, but I also need psychotherapy. So, early in the new year I'm going to be starting weekly group therapy! I was massively concerned when my therapist merely mentioned the words "group therapy" as, whilst my previous experience of it was largely positive, I also felt like it turned out to be a bit of a 'get-together', rather than having any meaningful therapeutic benefits. But she reliably informed me there are strict rules governing group therapy at the unit, and it's not a social occasion - you aren't even allowed to meet outside of the therapy room - what goes on in the session, stays in the session. Kinda like Vegas. 

I spoke with her, and my fiance, at length about my concerns, and arrived at the revelation that I need to attack my fears head-on. And I came out of there booked into a new group she is starting in January, and feeling like I was ready to get on with it. Obviously I won't be able to talk about this on the blog once I get started, but I thought I'd share the positive news while I still can.

Going back briefly to my formative post on my introductory sessions, I mentioned then that I always ended up feeling like there wasn't anything wrong with me and that I just needed to pull myself together when I'm in therapy. The nature of my bipolarity means this also tends to coincide with my 'highs', when I feel invincible  and convince myself I'm perfectly well. The reality, as my therapist pointed out to me, is that I do indeed have many emotional issues and they will not go away with a few sessions of CBT (unfortunately). It's going to take a long time to work through them, and even when I've done this, it might be a case of learning to manage them more effectively, as opposed to 'curing' me of them altogether. In a weird way having someone back me up by saying those things is a relief. Someone else, completely neutral to my life, recognises the things in me that are such a burden of weight on my shoulders. It's like being given permission, being justified in having mental illness. This might sound odd to you, but I still battle with thoughts of being a lower class citizen in the world of illness, that mental illness is a poor relation of physical illness. Having someone take my corner and tell me they will help me on the journey to better mental health, when I thought I had run out of options, is awesome, frankly. 


2 comments:

  1. It is amazing to read this, it's almost like therapy for us closet cases ;)

    I do slightly take umbridge with the fact you feel like a "lower class" citizen for feeling the way you do but I have to say we are some of the most inspirational people for being able to feel the extremes of emotion that we do.

    In my highs I can seem unstoppable and very often its that that gets me through my lows. However in my lows I have had such a deep and creative point of view, over analysing things and developing such complex theories and ideas that I have come up with some unique and off the wall work again (more good luck than good management).

    I would not change the fact I've experienced this level of emotion and extreme aspect of humanity for anything in the world, it has made me who I am, is hard work but I value my emotions so much and the fact I can understand other "normal" people far better than they can even understand themselves because of it.

    I did a lot of creative writing when I was younger and reading it back now just seems to make sense:

    No one notices her, yet they see her,
    No one listens to her, yet they hear her... etc. etc.

    I think accepting the fact these things will probably never go away is the hardest thing but I utterly appreciate the fact you share your experiences and thoughts with us all because it helps sooooo much.

    I really hope you're new therapy plan helps and works for you.

    Keep us posted where you can and we're all sending you happy, healthy and creative unique thoughts :) xxxx

    L

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    Replies
    1. Hi love, thanks again for your thoughtful comments. I agree with you, I also take umbridge with the fact I feel like a 'lower class citizen':) But its something I still struggle with, despite 'coming out'. I might explore that further on the blog, we'll see.

      I think its great that you too have gained from suffering with mental illness. To see people finding positivity in their issues makes me hopeful that we can have an impact on the way mental health is viewed by society at large, given time.

      I really believe in creative writing as a tool to channel problems in life, and I'm so glad it has helped you too. I still find it hard to be so honest and to lay myself bare on this blog, believe it or not. I struggle with being honest about it daily, but if it helps just one person then it is worth it.

      xx

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